a funny thing happened on the way to bed

I think i've snapped.
i've just been lying in bed for more then two hours and within that time my brain began to swirl. I really shouldn't have written that last post, it just got me thinking about my impending return to van... I always get like this right before i'm about to leave/go/leave/come/go. it's this feeling of anxiety meets apprehension meets anticipation meets impatience. it is indeed the recipe for an ulcer... or at least insomnia. the worse is that i couldn't' relax. i'm just glad i have nothing to get up for in the morning otherwise i'd have the added stress of how late it is. ahem, 3:15am.
I am curing this unease with a scotch and a trip to 'write it out' land.

I have a problem with the vancouver end of my equation these days... mostly because i dont have a real stable platform to land on there. I feel like not having a place of my own puts strain on my ability to feel 'at home' there anymore. but at the same time with my enivitable back and fourth routine it's financially impossible to get a place. And the truth is i'm not feeling toronto. I haven't in years. I love it here in many ways but to consider moving here is just out of the question. I just can't see myself being happy with an apartment here, working in the land of indie lifestyle TV, once again immersing myself in this place... And while the west really calls me (and frankly has been screaming my name for the past 3 weeks... i can't WAIT to get back there right now) I still have this uneasy feeling. Obviously having my parents here to catch me like i'm a child makes my jumping to toronto really easy... and sometimes i guess the thrill of the uncertainty in vancouver is part of what i like about it.
Its when i start to get ahead of myself that it all goes wrong. I like plans, i like having a mission, i like to know what the next step is (or at least figuring out my next step) and as soon as i start to think that way it makes my stomach churn because my life in vancouver just doesn't have answers to that. I just never really know what's coming next, and what's worse, everyone around me there doesn't really care what's up next. The easy going attitude that i love, also tends to exacerbate my anxiety.
my career is something that has been a huge priority for me since i was practically in high school... I can admit that i've always known what it is i've wanted to do... and although my goals and ideas have changed several times over the years, there has been very little to ever stop me from perusing my next opportunity... And then there was vancouver. that city plays such an important role in what i want to be doing, and where i want to be... The people i want in my life. it's always so painful to leave vancouver and for that reason I think it's always kind of painful to return. I wish it was easier to set up a life there. I guess that's what it comes down to. Nothing seems to come easy to anyone in vancouver... and i'm all for working hard, but it's not about jobs. it's about life in general. It's about me getting a grip on something that makes me feel comfortable AND happy. so far i can only find both on a temporary basis... I constantly feel like i have unfinished business and no matter what's going on, i'm wondering what's going on somewhere else.

I'd also like to bring up that i am getting to the point (well, at least right now, tonight) that i'm hating living out of a suitcase. the thought of packing and deciding what to take and what to leave and NEVER having ALL of my things in one place really bugs me. and despite doing this for the past year im not used to it. The simplicity of it has worn off and now it's more annoying and alzthiemers inducing to always wonder when i cant' find something if perhaps it's not even here. or there. or anywhere. i am slowly going crazy. sing it with me. has anyone seen my black tights?

ahhhhhhhh.... deep breaths. i'm feeling better. I'm sorry if i've somehow upset anyone with my brain mush. I realize that maybe i'm revealing too much on a public platform, but at the same time i think my readership is probably only at about 8 and it was too late to call anyone.

it's almost 4. i'm still not sleepy but definitely tired. the worst.